Owen Parsons

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If Pizza Places Worked Like Wedding Caterers

  • Me: Hey, I'd like to order a pizza.
  • Pizza Place: Great! What would you like on it?
  • Me: Well, what sort of toppings do you have?
  • Pizza Place: We have all the toppings. We want this to be your dream pizza!
  • Me: Okay, how about mushrooms.
  • Pizza Place: We don't have mushrooms.
  • Me: Pepperoni?
  • Pizza Place: Maybe!
  • Me: Maybe? Okay, seriously, why don't you tell me what you have.
  • Pizza Place: Alright, I guess you could look at this extensive list of pizzas we've made before. It's exactly what you originally asked for, but I withheld it for no reason. Really we can do anything. We want this to be your dream pizza!
  • Me: Yeah, I heard you the first time. If I get a Supreme and a Classico how much will that cost?
  • Pizza Place: ...
  • Me: ...
  • Pizza Place: ...
  • Me: Hello?
  • Pizza Place: Hello! How can I help you?
  • Me: ... Yes... how much would it cost to get the Supreme and the Classico?
  • Pizza Place: Is that what you want to order?
  • Me: I don't know, it depends on how much it costs.
  • Pizza Place: I see.
  • Me: ...
  • Pizza Place: ...
  • Me: ...
  • Pizza Place: Have you decided what you want to order yet?
  • Me: I just want to -- fine, whatever. We'll have the Supreme and the Classico.
  • Pizza Place: Wonderful! That will be $200.
  • Me: That's an awful lot for two pizzas.
  • Pizza Place: They're very good pizzas. You can try a sample if you want.
  • Me: Alright, can I come around now?
  • Pizza Place: We're busy for the next three months. Completely booked, in fact.
  • Me: ... Really?
  • Pizza Place: Yep.
  • Me: Fine. I'll come taste it in three months.
  • Pizza Place: Oh, that may not work. I'll have to get back to you.
  • Me: Forget it! We'll just take the pizzas.
  • Pizza Place: Wonderful! It's been so nice doing business with you. We'll deliver this in ten months. Oh, and I did tell you about the delivery fee, box fee, tiny plastic table fee, napkin fee, and red pepper fee, right?
  • Me: ... sigh...