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Number Three in a List of Things That Are Uncool Enough to Be Cool Again:

Fruit.

Fruit seems pretty lame. It’s healthy (strike one), it comes from nature (strike two), and it sustains our smug vegan population (strike three). Americans live in a world where Twix bars are the perfect shape to dunk through the hole in a Dr. Pepper can. There’s no room left in our diets for fruit, unless it is a loop, a roll-up, or measured by the foot.

In olden times, fruit may have been a major dietary staple for ancient cultures, but these cultures hadn’t yet invented BBQ-flavored squeezable yogurt (patent pending). Also, ancient cultures were stupid. You couldn’t go to a doctor in olden times without him drilling a hole through your skull to check for witches. If you stepped out of a time machine and showed them a Twizzler, they’d burn you at the stake and then make that Twizzler their king.

But as humanity evolved, witches became less omnipresent as food became more extreme. We learned that oranges will help your immune system, but Capri Sun will turn you into an extreme skater made out of liquid-metal awesome. Sorry, oranges! Begone with you and your earthen-colored ilk.

So case closed, right? Wrong. Why would you think that? There’s clearly more text here.

Pick up an apple. Go ahead. Toss it around. Pretty good heft, right? Now try a grapefruit. Even better. Now pick up a pineapple. Holy crap, you’re thinking, I could defend my home with one of these. Just like the ancient cultures did. They discovered that fruit is great for throwing at people the moment they first hurled rotten apples at a terrible actor, or slung cantaloupes at the honor guard of King Twizzler the First.

As a chuckable food, fruit has no equal. Potato chips don’t fly straight. You can’t frighten a man with a Ho Ho, unless he’s allergic to gluten or French. But lift a watermelon over your head and scream in primal rage, and your coworkers immediately know you mean business.

Fruit: Nature’s Edible Artillery.

Number Two in a List of Things That Are Uncool Enough to Be Cool Again:

Mummies.

Among the classic movie monsters, The Mummy had it tough. While Frankenstein and Dracula had literary canon to fall back on, the Mummy was clearly the result of some two-bit screenwriter, three weeks past his deadline, getting drunk on a bottle of Old Crow and then passing out in the Egyptian wing of the History Museum. Somehow he managed to milk his horrible whiskey nightmares into a not-half-bad bad film treatment, and just like that, a dead guy in toilet paper became monster movie legend.

Seventy years later, zombies are the new pop horror phenomenon and mummies are reduced to supporting roles in Brendan Fraser movies. You understand how awful that is, right? They’re reanimated from a thousand year slumber so that George of the Jungle can shoot them in the crotch and make an unfunny joke about it.

Frankly, mummies deserve a lot more. They’re way more on top of things than zombies. Shoot a zombie once in the head, and he’s useless. Try that on a mummy sometime. How’s that going to stop him? His brain’s all the way over there, in that jar.

Mummy planned ahead.

Number One in a List of Things That Are Uncool Enough to Be Cool Again:

Unicorns.

Unicorns used to be the be-all end-all synonym for over-the-top glittery girly nonsense. Then tween girls got all obsessed with vampires who glitter in the sunlight, and the only ones left referencing unicorns were the jaded twenty-somethings writing humor articles online. Do you know what this means? This means they’re ours, now.

It’s time to drop the sarcasm, people, because unicorns are fucking sweet. They prance on moonbeams and drink rainbows and fly around because sometimes we get them confused with Pegasuses.

Still not cool, though? Zebracorns. Those guys are bullshit.