Owen Parsons

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emilyaxford:

spotastic:

THIS MAN LOCKED ME INSIDE HIS CAB.

Fuck this man. Fuck him so hard in the fucking face that his brain dies.

A long day of work and play and it was time to go home, so I was treating myself to a cab. One of the new Nissan Future Taxis picked me up. These things are spacious, but also have a very high separation wall, so you really don’t get a good view of the driver.  I told the cab driver to take me to Queens via the Midtown tunnel. We arrived at my destination, which is always across the street from my apartment building. I have never felt comfortable letting a cab driver know where I live. I paid the fair with a credit card. The driver told me I still owed him for the toll. I told him I have never paid separately for a toll before. He told me to wait a minute, but I did not see him doing anything, the separation wall is high.  I told him he should have added it in, I already paid the fare. He told me to wait a minute. I was feeling very uncomfortable and his behavior was feeling shady. I went to open the door and it was locked. I told him to unlock the door. He told me to wait a minute. I got LOUD and told him to unlock the door. He told me to wait a minute. I threatened to call the cops twice or more before he finally unlocked the door. I got out and walked the opposite direction. The Cab Driver got out, I turned around and he was pulling his unzipped pants up as he came around to the back of the cab. I yelled some things at him about jerking off that I can’t quite remember. They were not witty or clever, they were freaked out and coming from a place of shock.  He told me he was having me banished or some shit and was pointing to the sky.  I stepped into the street to take a photo of the license and he blocked the license plate.  My body started shaking realizing what was happening. Something I can’t prove.  But I will say it. This pile of garbage was keeping me locked inside his cab so he could jerk off with me in there. God knows if he had any other plans. I started officially walking away and called my husband and could barely get the words out. I started shaking and had to think really hard to get my body to move towards my building. Thankfully there is a median on the street I live on, so the Cab Driver could not make a U-turn and follow me. I made it to my buildings driveway and froze, a few minutes later, from a safe distance.  I saw the cab driver pass. My husband found me shivering and crying, frozen in place.

I have no proof is limp dick was in his hands while I was in the cab.

I can’t prove the door was locked and he refused to let me out.

I can and did dispute the charges on my credit card.

I can and did file a complaint with T & L commission.

If I ever take a cab again, I guess my first move is to always take a photo of their license and request the doors remain wide open while I am driven home.

FUCK THIS CAB DRIVER. 

FUCK HIM IN THE FACE UNTIL HIS BRAIN DIES.

stuff like this happens, and way too many women have experienced something like this. 

At least someone’s having fun.

Doing my spring computer cleaning; finding old, unpublished treasures.

Doing my spring computer cleaning; finding old, unpublished treasures.

miketrapp:

collegehumor:

The CollegeHumor All-Nighter is BACK!

Give the Sandman hell on Wednesday, 5/21, at 8pm - 8am EST.

More videos from me. I’m really excited about being in this year’s CollegeHumor All-Nighter (which is this Wednesday). To promote it, we shot this video where everyone else kicks the fucking crap out of me. Give it a watch!

Well this looks incredible.

patrickcassels:

collegehumor:

If Miyazaki Films Were Like Other Anime

HIS ARTISTIC MERIT IS IS OVER 9000!!!

Another gem written by Owen Parsons before he moved on to The Daily Show, where I hope he’s busy writing just as many erotic anime jokes.

Countless! They are not well-received.

blogwell:

dorkly:

Pokemon Rusty: Team Rocket Ride Along

The worst Pokemon trainer ever is back - as Team Rocket’s newest recruit.

We’ve got a fun ride in store this time around. Thanks for watching, everyone! 

dorkly:

Guess who’s coming back this week….
Hint: this might help clear things up

PREPARE FOR TROUBLE

dorkly:

Guess who’s coming back this week….

Hint: this might help clear things up

PREPARE FOR TROUBLE

patrickcassels:

"Steampunk Convention." Posting mostly for Owen Parsons's benefit.

In honor of the many, many steampunk sketches Pat and I pitched at CollegeHumor that never got greenlit. God bless Portlandia. Full steam ahead.

Hi big fan of your work man you're an inspiration. I especially love your comics and your sprite work is amazing for the 321 fight series. could you give me some tips on making pixel sprite look so vibrant?

Thanks, this is so kind! 

I didn’t animate the 321 Fights, though- that would be the mad Australian geniuses over at Studio Joho. Direct all compliments and queries there-ward.

patrickcassels:

collegehumor:

Guess What Beat Both The PS4 and Xbox One?

Owen & Pat reviewed the latest and greatest video game systems. There were no survivors.

Watch Owen and I do something really stupid!