Owen Proudly Presents: Blog

The only blog of a city-dwelling twenty-something available anywhere on the internet.

Email: obparsons@gmail.com
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Moan Patrol
February 7

hilarysiegel:

(via hatstamp:whiskeyandgoatsmilk)

Salvador Dali guest stars on the old game show “What’s My Line?”

This is completely and totally awesome and amazing.

Yes it is.

February 5
Every day that you do not read Nedroid is another day that you miss wonderful comics like these.

Every day that you do not read Nedroid is another day that you miss wonderful comics like these.

February 4
Number Three in a List of Things That Are Uncool Enough to Be Cool Again: Fruit. Fruit seems pretty lame. It’s healthy (strike one), it comes from nature (strike two), and it sustains our smug vegan population (strike three). Americans live in a world where Twix bars are the perfect shape to dunk through the hole in a Dr. Pepper can. There’s no room left in our diets for fruit, unless it is a loop, a roll-up, or measured by the foot. In olden times, fruit may have been a major dietary staple for ancient cultures, but these cultures hadn’t yet invented BBQ-flavored squeezable yogurt (patent pending). Also, ancient cultures were stupid. You couldn’t go to a doctor in olden times without him drilling a hole through your skull to check for witches. If you stepped out of a time machine and showed them a Twizzler, they’d burn you at the stake and then make that Twizzler their king. But as humanity evolved, witches became less omnipresent as food became more extreme. We learned that oranges will help your immune system, but Capri Sun will turn you into an extreme skater made out of liquid-metal awesome. Sorry, oranges! Begone with you and your earthen-colored ilk. So case closed, right? Wrong. Why would you think that? There’s clearly more text here. Pick up an apple. Go ahead. Toss it around. Pretty good heft, right? Now try a grapefruit. Even better. Now pick up a pineapple. Holy crap, you’re thinking, I could defend my home with one of these. Just like the ancient cultures did. They discovered that fruit is great for throwing at people the moment they first hurled rotten apples at a terrible actor, or slung cantaloupes at the honor guard of King Twizzler the First. As a chuckable food, fruit has no equal. Potato chips don’t fly straight. You can’t frighten a man with a Ho Ho, unless he’s allergic to gluten or French. But lift a watermelon over your head and scream in primal rage, and your coworkers immediately know you mean business. Fruit: Nature’s Edible Artillery.

Number Three in a List of Things That Are Uncool Enough to Be Cool Again:

Fruit.

Fruit seems pretty lame. It’s healthy (strike one), it comes from nature (strike two), and it sustains our smug vegan population (strike three). Americans live in a world where Twix bars are the perfect shape to dunk through the hole in a Dr. Pepper can. There’s no room left in our diets for fruit, unless it is a loop, a roll-up, or measured by the foot.

In olden times, fruit may have been a major dietary staple for ancient cultures, but these cultures hadn’t yet invented BBQ-flavored squeezable yogurt (patent pending). Also, ancient cultures were stupid. You couldn’t go to a doctor in olden times without him drilling a hole through your skull to check for witches. If you stepped out of a time machine and showed them a Twizzler, they’d burn you at the stake and then make that Twizzler their king.

But as humanity evolved, witches became less omnipresent as food became more extreme. We learned that oranges will help your immune system, but Capri Sun will turn you into an extreme skater made out of liquid-metal awesome. Sorry, oranges! Begone with you and your earthen-colored ilk.

So case closed, right? Wrong. Why would you think that? There’s clearly more text here.

Pick up an apple. Go ahead. Toss it around. Pretty good heft, right? Now try a grapefruit. Even better. Now pick up a pineapple. Holy crap, you’re thinking, I could defend my home with one of these. Just like the ancient cultures did. They discovered that fruit is great for throwing at people the moment they first hurled rotten apples at a terrible actor, or slung cantaloupes at the honor guard of King Twizzler the First.

As a chuckable food, fruit has no equal. Potato chips don’t fly straight. You can’t frighten a man with a Ho Ho, unless he’s allergic to gluten or French. But lift a watermelon over your head and scream in primal rage, and your coworkers immediately know you mean business.

Fruit: Nature’s Edible Artillery.

February 3
This pear has seen things no pear should see.

This pear has seen things no pear should see.

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streeter: CollegeHumor Offline - February 18th, Gramercy Theater. Get your tickets now, only $13. If you’ve ever wanted to catch one of our live shows but couldn’t rationalize making the trip to NYC for only 60 minutes of comedy, I’ve got some great news for you: CH Offline is a full 90 minutes! Phantom, Jake and Amir, Gale Beggy, Hardly Working Live, CH Originals Live, special guests and standup from Jeff, Dan and I. It’s gonna be a big show, hope to see you there.

streeter:

CollegeHumor Offline - February 18th, Gramercy Theater. Get your tickets now, only $13.

If you’ve ever wanted to catch one of our live shows but couldn’t rationalize making the trip to NYC for only 60 minutes of comedy, I’ve got some great news for you: CH Offline is a full 90 minutes! Phantom, Jake and Amir, Gale Beggy, Hardly Working Live, CH Originals Live, special guests and standup from Jeff, Dan and I.

It’s gonna be a big show, hope to see you there.

February 2
82nd Academy Award Nominations

makingofmovies:

Best Animated Feature

  • Coraline — Henry Selick
  • Fantastic Mr Fox — Wes Anderson
  • The Princess and the Frog — John Musker and Ron Clements
  • The Secret of Kells — Tomm Moore
  • Up — Pete Docter

Killer field this year for animated films. The only one on here I haven’t heard anything about is The Secret of Kells, but if the stills are to be believed it looks something like a watercolor Genndy Tartakovsky cartoon, which is great news.

Apologies to it and the other great films on this list that had the misfortune to come out the same year that Pixar released a perfect movie.
January 29
conormckeon: 5 Science Fair Projects For The Internet you can digg it here if ya dug it. Some great advice here for those of you who want to leave your mark on the web.

conormckeon:

5 Science Fair Projects For The Internet

you can digg it here if ya dug it.

Some great advice here for those of you who want to leave your mark on the web.

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Good news: my landlord just allowed pets in the building.

Good news: my landlord just allowed pets in the building.

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Attention People of Britain: Carbonated chocolate is stupid.

Attention People of Britain:

Carbonated chocolate is stupid.

January 28
benjoseph: Missing Pages From The Giver, by Owen Parsons. This was a weird one. It’s an article that assumes you’ve read The Giver, by Lois Lowry: standard-issue seventh grade reading for nearly everyone I’ve ever spoken to. But I recognize that some people have not read this book, and if you are one of those people then I am sorry that your childhood was incomplete. Fun thing to think about: The Giver (the book) was released the same year as Jurassic Park (the movie). Jurassic Park holds up better, I think. So why doesn’t it have a Newbery Medal?

benjoseph:

Missing Pages From The Giver, by Owen Parsons.

This was a weird one. It’s an article that assumes you’ve read The Giver, by Lois Lowry: standard-issue seventh grade reading for nearly everyone I’ve ever spoken to. But I recognize that some people have not read this book, and if you are one of those people then I am sorry that your childhood was incomplete.

Fun thing to think about: The Giver (the book) was released the same year as Jurassic Park (the movie). Jurassic Park holds up better, I think. So why doesn’t it have a Newbery Medal?